Bringing Gifts

So today I went by to visit Gertrud to bring her and Heinz the little gifts I had brought back for them from my visit to Quebec. I know that my gifts weren't necessarily healthy for them, considering their diabetes and cholesterol problems, but they love their sweets and fatty foods and I figured I would let them try just a small taste of typically, wonderful quebecoise fare. So I brought back a small amount of creton and maple fudge for them. A little fat and a little sugar! Something for everyone. Gertrude, or Mama as I call her, went straight for the fudge. She cut a square in half and popped it into her mouth. Grinning from ear to ear and the occasional "hmmm" told me I had brought back a hit. She held the box out to me indicating that I should try some. I generally avoid sugar in my diet, but knowing she would not let up until I tried it, I took a pea sized piece off the corner of one square and tried it. Of course it was incredibly sweet having been made with pure maple sugar and tasted simply delicious. Before I knew it she was furiously fumbling with the box trying to close it. Seeing her struggle with the plastic, I took it out of her hands, closed it and gave it back. Like a thief in the night, she looked around the room, then quickly added," I need to hide these before your father finds them." With that she opened the fridge and tried to hide them behind her yoghurt containers. Laughing, I told her that I had meant them to be shared, upon which her eyes just about popped out of her head, like she couldn't understand why in the world she should ever share them.
Then I explained about the creton and how it tastes a bit like liverwurst, which I know she likes. She smelled it, said it smelled a bit strong and pushed it away. I am fairly certain Heinz will be eating the creton, while she eats the fudge. The rest of my visit was spent watching her struggle with a mirror and tweezers trying to get the occasional whisker hair. At one point she had taken off her glasses and kept trying to get these annoying hairs. She then commented musingly that, "Now I can't see them any more. " So I had to remind her that she wasn't wearing her glasses and that they were lying on the coffee table in front of her. Thereupon she put her glasses back on looking quite pleased with herself, since now she could see and inquired whether I also had problems with facial hair and that it was a very terrible problem. Knowing saying yes would lead to heavens knows what type of conversation, I told her I was blessed with a hairless face. She then proceeded to tell me how lucky I was.
Heinz was working on his car today. He needed to replace the radiator on his 25 year old VW diesel. Being a former auto mechanic, he spends most of his days working on his cars when he doesn't work in the garden or trying to find something to fix on his house. He is your typical workaholic or as I often suspect an untreated manic-depressive. His philosophy consists of several ideas. One is that the world has nothing good left in it. It has all gone to the dogs. The other is that if you don't keep moving and working you will die.
He also generally can't sleep at decent times and writes letters, which I call small books, because they are generally 10 or more pages long. He writes on the front and back of the pages as well as around the edges, underlining important messages and sometimes switching to red ink to highlight things that outrage him. His letters consist of religion, politics and old family history delighting his readers with outrage and eventually depressing them.
This sleeplessness and depression often make him hard to live with. He gets moody and grumpy with Gertrude, which leads to the inevitable daily squabbles and arguments about anything and everything. You see, Heinz and Gertrude have never been a good match, but having grown up in families where divorce was not accepted, they simply stayed together despite their differences. So family members generally resort to running out the door when the squabbles begin, because they know that once it starts there is no end in sight and if you remain present you are sought after to take sides while things simply deteriorate. So if you dare to visit Heinz and Gertrud, take my advice and keep on your shoes and keep your car keys in your hand for the inevitable quick exit.