Gone but not Forgotten

I know, I know. I have been gone for a long while now, but I needed a break and feel now is the right time to return. Many things have taken place and I therefore have plenty to report. The worst thing I will tell you right off the bat is that our beloved Gertrud is very ill. She has Alzheimers. It has robbed her of her feisty spirit and Heinz has become her full time care giver. It has become my custom to visit every few days simply to see her as I know this illness will rob her of her life. Never have I felt so helpless in my life. Watching ones mother become just a shell of herself and unable to make even simple decisions for herself is outright torture. One can't help but recall days when she was young and vibrant, enjoying simple things like shopping, cooking or laughing at stories of the past. Now her thoughts are becoming more disjointed every day and even stories of the past are hard for her to recall. Heinz now does all the cooking, cleaning and anything associated with taking care of the household and taking care of Gertrud. She can't go out anymore by herself as she doesn't have the strength nor does she recognize her surroundings. Even her home is strange to her. She often doesn't remember where her bedroom is or the washroom. Sometimes she tries to leave the house in order to go home only to realize she doesn't know where home is. It's heartbreaking to see. She is forgetting who people are too. She has not only forgotten her grandchildren and great grandchildren, but yesterday was the first time she was so confused she didn't know who I was. I had been trying to mentally prepare for this day for months, but the reality is that if your mother looks you in the eye and doesn't know who you are, you are shocked and saddened to the core. I only hope that my mother will be among the living for a while. I can see her deterioration, though I try to look for bright spots which admittedly is getting harder by the day. I have never appreciated her more than now that I am faced with the fact that I will lose her. I am sad. I am angry. I am not ready to let her go so soon.