Happy days are here again

Today was a good day. A very good day! I saw Gertrud and she looked at me with recognition in her eyes. Yipee I eh! I cherish and love every moment that we can talk as mother and daughter. Yes she gets confused and yes she is weak, but she knows who I am and I see the love she has for me. This is a true gift. Also she was particularly happy since Heinz had the roof reshingled and put a skylight into the kitchen making things bright for both of them. She is able to see the sky and watch the clouds go by and also judge the weather for herself. She had a bright smile when she pointed at the skylight. " See how nice the daylight comes in," she remarked. Its nice to see her delight in such a small thing.

Heinz was also very proud of his skylight. It being a such a luxury yet energy saving, he completely delighted in it. He showed me how when he got up in the morning the light had shone in a certain direction while now, a few hours later the light shone in a different direction again. With his head deep into the freezer he also pointed out how, he could now see what was in it without needing to use a flash light. We had a nice lunch of fried eggs, cheese and bread. Well, Heinz and Gertrud had bread, not grasping the concept of gluten free diet, they tried desperately to get me to eat either a bun or some bread, either white or nice cheese bread, all which would have sent me home doubled over in gut pain. Heinz constantly saying, " Well, what do you eat? You must eat somethings?" with his thick accent. I explained to him about having to leave out wheat, barley and rye out of my diet, to which he replied quite matter of factly that this absolutely must come from from Gertrud's side of the family since this was unheard of in his side of the family. I explained vigorously that no one was to blame and that I had only explained so that he wouldn't keep asking me to eat bread.

After a nice lunch I left them, but not before Heinz insisted I take home a couple of stalks of leek and a handful of chives and three stalks of rhubarb. I happily took the fruit and veggies home which I made into leek soup, rhubarb-berry compote and potato salad with chives on top. Thanks Heinz for sharing the fruits of your labour. They are much appreciated.

Gone but not Forgotten

I know, I know. I have been gone for a long while now, but I needed a break and feel now is the right time to return. Many things have taken place and I therefore have plenty to report. The worst thing I will tell you right off the bat is that our beloved Gertrud is very ill. She has Alzheimers. It has robbed her of her feisty spirit and Heinz has become her full time care giver. It has become my custom to visit every few days simply to see her as I know this illness will rob her of her life. Never have I felt so helpless in my life. Watching ones mother become just a shell of herself and unable to make even simple decisions for herself is outright torture. One can't help but recall days when she was young and vibrant, enjoying simple things like shopping, cooking or laughing at stories of the past. Now her thoughts are becoming more disjointed every day and even stories of the past are hard for her to recall. Heinz now does all the cooking, cleaning and anything associated with taking care of the household and taking care of Gertrud. She can't go out anymore by herself as she doesn't have the strength nor does she recognize her surroundings. Even her home is strange to her. She often doesn't remember where her bedroom is or the washroom. Sometimes she tries to leave the house in order to go home only to realize she doesn't know where home is. It's heartbreaking to see. She is forgetting who people are too. She has not only forgotten her grandchildren and great grandchildren, but yesterday was the first time she was so confused she didn't know who I was. I had been trying to mentally prepare for this day for months, but the reality is that if your mother looks you in the eye and doesn't know who you are, you are shocked and saddened to the core. I only hope that my mother will be among the living for a while. I can see her deterioration, though I try to look for bright spots which admittedly is getting harder by the day. I have never appreciated her more than now that I am faced with the fact that I will lose her. I am sad. I am angry. I am not ready to let her go so soon.